someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize