How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
