All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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