no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
