Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
