Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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