I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
