I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
