i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize