one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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