I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
