The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
