The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
