and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
