i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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