Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
