Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
