He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
