So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
