I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
