our cab driver is having phone sex.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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