A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
