put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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