your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The power of my boobs compel you
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize