Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
