There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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