Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
