I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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