I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
