thus making me awesome and them whores
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
