Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
