Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I need moral support for this bender
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
