..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize