Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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