Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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