my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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