I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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