Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
