If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
