I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
