god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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