exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
