get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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