wrigley field is MILF paradise
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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