I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
