her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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