Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
