Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
