I wish I could teleport
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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