I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
