i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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