someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
