she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
