When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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