remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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