Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize