Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He passed out mid-signature
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
