If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dignity is for republicans.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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