We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Randomize
