her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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