i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
