i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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