i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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