Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize