I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
